Entry tags:
Letters
I can't remember the last time I received two letters on the same day, but it just happened tonight. One from Kirk and one from Liz. And I am bouncing all over doing the happy letter dance.
Entry tags:
(no subject)
Is there a word for nostalgia for something you never really had? Something that might have, could have, even should have been, but never was?
I got home tonight to find a card from Kirk in my mailbox.
I got home tonight to find a card from Kirk in my mailbox.
Entry tags:
Senior year
When I was a senior at Indiana University, the university had free computer accounts for students, with an internal bulletin board systerm called the Forum, where students could start topics and discussions. I spent hours on that, and then VAXphone (it was like a cross between AIM and chat: it worked with up to 5 people at a time) with people I had met there, and eventually meeting the people in person. It was at that time that I began using "semper, fiona" as my signoff phrase, and Fiona of Amber began to be my alter-ego/role-model.
Two of the first people I came to know were Lore and her friend Deb. I spent a lot of time with them in the beginning of that year. Lore talked about her boyfriend, Kirk, but I had never met or talked to him. Then one day I was on VAXphone with Lore, when Kirk logged on and she invited him into the conversation. When we happened to glance aside from the computers we were using in the lab, and noticed exactly the same thing on each other's screens, we realized we were sitting next to each other. That is how I met Kirk. It wasn't long after that that we became fast friends. We started going to the free movie premieres at the student union, sometimes with other VAXfriends, or just the three of us.
One night (the movie was "Look Who's Talking"), Kirk got out a deck of cards while we waited in line, and we bemoaned the lack of a fourth for euchre. At that, the boy seated in front of us in line turned and said he'd play; he became my partner. That was Jim. We played euchre until the movie started. Afterwards, a large group of us including Jim and his roommate, Kirk and Lore and some other friends, went back to Kirk's dorm and played cards and talked some more. Before the night was over, we had decided to make a trip to Brown County State Park that weekend to see the fall colors.
Jim collected everyone's phone numbers "to make the arrangements", and I don't know how I knew it, but I knew he did that just so he could get mine. Sure enough, two days later he asked me out, commenting that he'd wanted to call right away but waited because that was what you're "supposed to do". Odd thing: I still remember what I was wearing that night. In fact, I still have it (not for sentimental reasons, I still have most of the clothes I owned then). It was a pink sweater my parents had given me. I remember one other thing distinctly. Jim bet a dollar that no one would guess his middle name, given that his initial was C. Many guesses were made, but before too long I guessed it. Cecil. He paid me four quarters. I dated Jim all that year. We had a tumultous relationship, but he was my first real lover and I held on for dear life even after it was clearly falling apart.
I'd had sex for the first time with someone else (a man named Matt, six or eight years older than me) shortly before, but only once, somewhat under the influence of alcohol, and didn't make a relationship out of it. In fact I avoided him as much as possible given that we had two classes in common, especially after I'd met Jim. I didn't really like him, he gave me the willies a little bit. But he liked me a great deal--too much, in fact: he'd liked me since freshman year and after my junior year away he still remembered me. I remember him telling me once "I'd know that walk anywhere."
I felt almost stalked, but I didn't quite recognize it. I don't know why I ever slept with him, other than that I was somewhat drunk and also tired of being a 21-year-old virgin. I remember thinking that. "Finally, that's done with." I pointed him out to Lore once. Her comment was, "He's evil." And I hadn't told her anything about him at all.
It took me a lot of years after that to start finding redhaired men attractive again. Britton had been a redhead, and I had always liked red hair on men, but afte Matt that attraction switched off for a long time.
Two of the first people I came to know were Lore and her friend Deb. I spent a lot of time with them in the beginning of that year. Lore talked about her boyfriend, Kirk, but I had never met or talked to him. Then one day I was on VAXphone with Lore, when Kirk logged on and she invited him into the conversation. When we happened to glance aside from the computers we were using in the lab, and noticed exactly the same thing on each other's screens, we realized we were sitting next to each other. That is how I met Kirk. It wasn't long after that that we became fast friends. We started going to the free movie premieres at the student union, sometimes with other VAXfriends, or just the three of us.
One night (the movie was "Look Who's Talking"), Kirk got out a deck of cards while we waited in line, and we bemoaned the lack of a fourth for euchre. At that, the boy seated in front of us in line turned and said he'd play; he became my partner. That was Jim. We played euchre until the movie started. Afterwards, a large group of us including Jim and his roommate, Kirk and Lore and some other friends, went back to Kirk's dorm and played cards and talked some more. Before the night was over, we had decided to make a trip to Brown County State Park that weekend to see the fall colors.
Jim collected everyone's phone numbers "to make the arrangements", and I don't know how I knew it, but I knew he did that just so he could get mine. Sure enough, two days later he asked me out, commenting that he'd wanted to call right away but waited because that was what you're "supposed to do". Odd thing: I still remember what I was wearing that night. In fact, I still have it (not for sentimental reasons, I still have most of the clothes I owned then). It was a pink sweater my parents had given me. I remember one other thing distinctly. Jim bet a dollar that no one would guess his middle name, given that his initial was C. Many guesses were made, but before too long I guessed it. Cecil. He paid me four quarters. I dated Jim all that year. We had a tumultous relationship, but he was my first real lover and I held on for dear life even after it was clearly falling apart.
I'd had sex for the first time with someone else (a man named Matt, six or eight years older than me) shortly before, but only once, somewhat under the influence of alcohol, and didn't make a relationship out of it. In fact I avoided him as much as possible given that we had two classes in common, especially after I'd met Jim. I didn't really like him, he gave me the willies a little bit. But he liked me a great deal--too much, in fact: he'd liked me since freshman year and after my junior year away he still remembered me. I remember him telling me once "I'd know that walk anywhere."
I felt almost stalked, but I didn't quite recognize it. I don't know why I ever slept with him, other than that I was somewhat drunk and also tired of being a 21-year-old virgin. I remember thinking that. "Finally, that's done with." I pointed him out to Lore once. Her comment was, "He's evil." And I hadn't told her anything about him at all.
It took me a lot of years after that to start finding redhaired men attractive again. Britton had been a redhead, and I had always liked red hair on men, but afte Matt that attraction switched off for a long time.
Entry tags:
A surprising phone call
Kirk called tonight, surprising me. I'd only called him a week and a half ago, and it had been almost a year before that since we'd talked. The old feelings are still there. On both sides.
We sort of sat there for a good ten minutes without being able to say much to one another, embarrassed by the open admission of something that had been suppressed for a long while, but eventually managed to not only talk about our feelings but also have a normal conversation.
The vague and distant possiblity of a physical or cyber relationship still remains, but there are impediments and good reasons not to. In any case we need to bridge the distance that has grown between us over the last few years before thinking seriously of such a thing. But I think our friendship will recover in time. Its roots are deep; twelve years we've known each other, and we still share something that can't be called anything but love, however difficult it is to express and whatever shape it may take.
Thinking about it right now I think the thing I miss most of all is the comfortable way we used to cuddle and rub each other's backs and things like that. What I think of as cuddlefriendly behavior. It needn't imply anything beyond close affectionate friendship. If someday we find ourselves free to pursue something else, well I'm not closing that door. But I hope we can have the touch back, at least, and the comfortableness of being in each other's presence.
We sort of sat there for a good ten minutes without being able to say much to one another, embarrassed by the open admission of something that had been suppressed for a long while, but eventually managed to not only talk about our feelings but also have a normal conversation.
The vague and distant possiblity of a physical or cyber relationship still remains, but there are impediments and good reasons not to. In any case we need to bridge the distance that has grown between us over the last few years before thinking seriously of such a thing. But I think our friendship will recover in time. Its roots are deep; twelve years we've known each other, and we still share something that can't be called anything but love, however difficult it is to express and whatever shape it may take.
Thinking about it right now I think the thing I miss most of all is the comfortable way we used to cuddle and rub each other's backs and things like that. What I think of as cuddlefriendly behavior. It needn't imply anything beyond close affectionate friendship. If someday we find ourselves free to pursue something else, well I'm not closing that door. But I hope we can have the touch back, at least, and the comfortableness of being in each other's presence.
Entry tags:
Today's update
Cheated a bit on the reading thing. I've read email too many times, but then, I've been hoping and expecting a particular message. I was supposed to go out to the club with Pam tonight, but she didn't write, and she hasn't called, so I keep checking in case she did write. I thought of calling her, but I called her last time. It's her turn to call me!
What I have not done, though, is pick up a book and immerse myself in it, which is my normal behavior for a Saturday. Last night I made a list of all the things I could do if I'm not reading, and was surprised to find how quickly it reached two pages long. I think I may need to do this more often: perhaps every other Saturday or something.
What else I did today?
I had a really long dream this morning. It took me two pages to write down even the scraps of it that I could remember. One of the most memorable scenes was me introducing Ray to "this is my girlfriend, this is my other girlfriend, this is my boyfriend and this is my other boyfriend." And another was a young round-faced nun in pink, wearing a sheer black veil in mourning of Christ's death. Overall it was such a good dream that I did not want to wake up and lose it. I kept trying to go back to sleep to get back to that world.
I tried to get license plates for my new car, but the license office no longer has Saturday hours.
I collected the books that the library had on reserve for me. But I didn't open them!
I washed the dishes.
I called Jen and talked to her for about half an hour, learned that she had fallen down the stairs last night and couldn't go out.
I picked up some clutter from the living room floor.
So I went to see Lord of the Rings alone. I am so in love with Legolas. And I rather like Aragorn too. Being poly means you don't have to choose...right?
I came home, thinking Pam might have left a message, but there was nothing. So I did my nails. I put falsies on for the first time in years, and I'm not really very happy with them. They didn't fit very well, so my real nails show underneath, and it's awkward to type. But I'll leave them on for a few days anyway.
Then I called Kirk and talked to him for about an hour. That was really good. I think it had been nearly a year since we'd talked. I visited him last February, and I can't remember a conversation after that. It's amazing, though, our friendship is strong enough after all this time and all the things that have happened, that we can just pick up where we left off and be really open with each other about things in our lives.
What I have not done, though, is pick up a book and immerse myself in it, which is my normal behavior for a Saturday. Last night I made a list of all the things I could do if I'm not reading, and was surprised to find how quickly it reached two pages long. I think I may need to do this more often: perhaps every other Saturday or something.
What else I did today?
I had a really long dream this morning. It took me two pages to write down even the scraps of it that I could remember. One of the most memorable scenes was me introducing Ray to "this is my girlfriend, this is my other girlfriend, this is my boyfriend and this is my other boyfriend." And another was a young round-faced nun in pink, wearing a sheer black veil in mourning of Christ's death. Overall it was such a good dream that I did not want to wake up and lose it. I kept trying to go back to sleep to get back to that world.
I tried to get license plates for my new car, but the license office no longer has Saturday hours.
I collected the books that the library had on reserve for me. But I didn't open them!
I washed the dishes.
I called Jen and talked to her for about half an hour, learned that she had fallen down the stairs last night and couldn't go out.
I picked up some clutter from the living room floor.
So I went to see Lord of the Rings alone. I am so in love with Legolas. And I rather like Aragorn too. Being poly means you don't have to choose...right?
I came home, thinking Pam might have left a message, but there was nothing. So I did my nails. I put falsies on for the first time in years, and I'm not really very happy with them. They didn't fit very well, so my real nails show underneath, and it's awkward to type. But I'll leave them on for a few days anyway.
Then I called Kirk and talked to him for about an hour. That was really good. I think it had been nearly a year since we'd talked. I visited him last February, and I can't remember a conversation after that. It's amazing, though, our friendship is strong enough after all this time and all the things that have happened, that we can just pick up where we left off and be really open with each other about things in our lives.
Entry tags:
Nostalgia for a dear and distant friend...turns into a rant about my ex
Been thinking about Kirk just now. It's been almost a year since I've seen him, and the previous time was over two years before that. We've been staying very weakly connected by playing backgammon and go at It's Your Turn, but even if we sent little messages with every move, which we don't, it's not at all the same kind of intense connection we used to have before everything fell apart in 1997-98. I miss that, and I miss him. I think i'm going to make a point to call him sometime during the yule season.
Kirk is the oldest friend I have; we met in college in 1989. The four of us, he and his girlfriend Lore, and I and my boyfriend Jim, were nearly inseparable. Oddly, and the four of us even remarked on it at times, the pairings seemed to be wrong-way-round. Kirk and I were much more compatible than Jim and I, and Jim and Lore were very compatible as well.
Kirk told me the following spring that he had been in love with me for several months, and that Lore had agreed that he and I could sleep together if I was willing. But I was still trying to hang on to the shreds of my relationship with Jim, so I turned him down. After that we still managed to maintain the friendship as close and cuddly as ever, perhaps even a bit more so, with regular flirting and teasing.
Come the next year, I moved to St. Louis to start a job. I returned to B'ton to visit him several times over the next year, and then I met and began dating Ray. Ray and I even went to B'ton once to vist Kirk together. I remember Kirk telling Ray pretty much exactly how he felt about me and Ray saying that it was ok as long as...what were his criteria? Probably words to the effect of "as long as nothing happens and I know it's one-sided".
Ray and I got married--Kirk was my "maid of honor"--and we moved to the UK. Kirk and I wrote lots of long letters back and forth, and sometime in there I realized that I loved him and always had. He met the wonderful Laura and decided to marry her. Ray and I flew home and I was "best man" at the wedding. I told Kirk during a long conversation alone something of what I'd come to realize, and we again agreed that it was not possible.
Then sometime after Ray and I moved home again, Kirk told me that he and Laura were opening their marriage. This floored me. I had never even considered such a thing to be possible, even if some of the situations with Lore and Jim came close. I started remembering all the novels I'd read, with things like group marriages, and did a 'net search on exactly that phrase, which led me to alt.polyamory.
In May 1997 I went to B'ton again, alone this time, and finally expressed my full feelings. And again we decided to put our feelings on hold until I could talk to Ray and gain his consent.
That talk is what started us on the road that ended up in divorce. Ray was incapable of accepting even the fact of my feelings, let alone any physical expression of them. He went to his priest that week and was told that "most men would have divorced her already"--for having feelings!
We tried, or at least I tried, to reach compromise, but it was not possible, even after four different periods of counseling with three different counselors. Ray was adamant on "Marriage is..." and would not admit even the tiniest corner of a compromise.
In the course of all that, while I was fighting to keep the marriage at all costs, the towering oak of my friendship with Kirk was cut down. The roots are still alive, I think, and there is a sapling there, but it is fragile and slender.
Ironically, Kirk and Laura have since re-closed their marriage, but I've decided that I am truly poly. I could list five or six people that I love "like that".
Kirk is the oldest friend I have; we met in college in 1989. The four of us, he and his girlfriend Lore, and I and my boyfriend Jim, were nearly inseparable. Oddly, and the four of us even remarked on it at times, the pairings seemed to be wrong-way-round. Kirk and I were much more compatible than Jim and I, and Jim and Lore were very compatible as well.
Kirk told me the following spring that he had been in love with me for several months, and that Lore had agreed that he and I could sleep together if I was willing. But I was still trying to hang on to the shreds of my relationship with Jim, so I turned him down. After that we still managed to maintain the friendship as close and cuddly as ever, perhaps even a bit more so, with regular flirting and teasing.
Come the next year, I moved to St. Louis to start a job. I returned to B'ton to visit him several times over the next year, and then I met and began dating Ray. Ray and I even went to B'ton once to vist Kirk together. I remember Kirk telling Ray pretty much exactly how he felt about me and Ray saying that it was ok as long as...what were his criteria? Probably words to the effect of "as long as nothing happens and I know it's one-sided".
Ray and I got married--Kirk was my "maid of honor"--and we moved to the UK. Kirk and I wrote lots of long letters back and forth, and sometime in there I realized that I loved him and always had. He met the wonderful Laura and decided to marry her. Ray and I flew home and I was "best man" at the wedding. I told Kirk during a long conversation alone something of what I'd come to realize, and we again agreed that it was not possible.
Then sometime after Ray and I moved home again, Kirk told me that he and Laura were opening their marriage. This floored me. I had never even considered such a thing to be possible, even if some of the situations with Lore and Jim came close. I started remembering all the novels I'd read, with things like group marriages, and did a 'net search on exactly that phrase, which led me to alt.polyamory.
In May 1997 I went to B'ton again, alone this time, and finally expressed my full feelings. And again we decided to put our feelings on hold until I could talk to Ray and gain his consent.
That talk is what started us on the road that ended up in divorce. Ray was incapable of accepting even the fact of my feelings, let alone any physical expression of them. He went to his priest that week and was told that "most men would have divorced her already"--for having feelings!
We tried, or at least I tried, to reach compromise, but it was not possible, even after four different periods of counseling with three different counselors. Ray was adamant on "Marriage is...
In the course of all that, while I was fighting to keep the marriage at all costs, the towering oak of my friendship with Kirk was cut down. The roots are still alive, I think, and there is a sapling there, but it is fragile and slender.
Ironically, Kirk and Laura have since re-closed their marriage, but I've decided that I am truly poly. I could list five or six people that I love "like that".