Menage à Trois Bingo

I talked with Jen late last night over IM and began to feel better about things. I still hate that life comes between us, but she's a mom too, and I know that her son has to come first. In the end it turned out to have been for the best, anyway, because Rosa insisted on sleeping with me, and she was very restless. Still feverish, waking up every half hour or so to ask for water, or to be covered or uncovered, or for hugs...I did not sleep at all well, and was very tired this morning when Jen came over. She didn't have a very good night either, only getting Phaelen to sleep at 3 am.

Rosa was being clingy and difficult even in the morning, until the Motrin finally began to take effect and she let Jen watch her while I took a shower. Then we each changed into the clothes we were going to wear to the Ren Faire: she wore a chemise and overskirts with a leather corset, and I wore the new leather bodice and skirt I bought the other day, with fishnet thigh-highs and boots. Totally non-period, but a hella lot of fun all the same. I discovered an unexpected talent for lacing corsets.

When Ray arrived to collect Rosa for his day with her, I answered the door dressed as described. He was rather taken aback, to make a drastic understatement, but recovered and said "You look like you're going out." Well, duh. Then he saw Jen, and said to her, "You guys look fabulous. Especially her," slapping me on the back in a rather superior way. It felt like a claim of ownership, and I gritted my teeth so as not to bite his head off. They told each other how nice it was to see each other again, and after he left with Rosa Jen and I laughed for quite a while at the patent untruth of that statement.

And off to the Ren Faire. The day started drizzly, and just got wetter. We wandered around the grounds several times, checked all the vendor stalls, greeted some people and vendors she knows...got accosted by a 15th century lady who wanted to know how I got into the leather. I said, "with a zipper" and then was struck speechless because she wanted to know what a zipper was and how it worked. Oops. Jen teased me about that for quite a while.

We were followed around by a lot of eyes. "You're going the wrong way." We ran into those two guys several times during the day. Another who said I was just the right size: with my boots on we were exactly of a height. A vendor who told me he thought I'd be interested in the other thing he sells, but wouldn't say it out loud. "Latex," he whispered, and we got into a conversation about latex and fetish nights and so on. He thought I should wear something called the goddess dress: long sleeves, full circle skirt, and a V neckline. Four hundred dollars. Ouch.

Eventually we ran into Jill, who now has to believe in Jen's existence and can't call her a figment of my imagination anymore. But they'll come up with something else to tease me about, of that I have no doubt.

Jousting was called off on account of mud, but the knights were mud-wrestling, which was greatly amusing to watch. After that, though, Jen had to get home for family time (Mother's Day and all that) and we were both quite thoroughly wet, so we took off. She told me to take a nap--a good idea, that--and I curled up on the couch, not to wake for a good two hours.

I just saw Kissing Jessica Stein with Jen. It was cute and sweet and funny. We really enjoyed it. And we had another of our wonderful laughter-filled conversations about nothing in particular, in which she also managed to give me lots of compliments and tell me why I'm special to her. That always makes me happy and cheerful.

Mmm, what a nice conversation with Jen.

One other good quote I just wrote in a card for Jen. The card says: "Men are like parking spaces. The good ones are either too small or already taken." For some reason we've been joking about small penises lately: the last man she went out with had a really tiny one. Anyway I added this quote to the card: "If brevity is the soul of wit, your penis must be a riot."

I frustrated myself badly this morning because I was expecting Ray to come for Rosa since 9:30. He arrived at 10:20. His normal time, after attending 9 am mass. If I'd known, or remembered, I'd have done things differently this morning: Rosa wanted to go outside and play, and I kept refusing, thinking there wasn't time. In the end, we did go outside, just before Ray arrived, but we could have gone all the way to play at the playground and been back, if I'd been thinking straight.

And my glasses broke for good. One of the lenses has popped out repeatedly, but today the screw pulled apart and the frame is bent. I have to buy new glasses ::sigh:: even though I wear contacts much of the time, I can't live without a pair of glasses as a backup, or to use when my eyes are tired.

In a short while I've got to go over and do some more work on my house. Jen is going to come and help me; I'm not sure yet what we'll do, but it will be wonderful to have company--and just to see her: it's been several weeks since we've been able to get together.

Ray's goofy. He asked me if I was upset about something, told me off for being grumpy when he was in a good mood. But other than the surface frustration, I'm in a spectacularly good mood. Not quite as bouncy as I was last night, but all the same, very happy. It feels good, glowy and floaty and smiley.

Jen had a doctor's appointment this morning for further tests, prior to the surgery that she needs. She was all ready to get it done, had the insurance in order and everything, and then the doctor decided that she should have more tests first. We're both getting sick of waiting; she's been suffering endless cramping that no one should have to tolerate.

The nurse at the doctor's office has quite an attitude, too. Jen called hoping to move her appointment up: it had been for today at 3:00, and she was told, "We can get you in at 2:30"! Then a couple days later they called to tell her that the doctor had a meeting or something this afternoon, and could they reschedule for a month from now! In the end she got 10:00 am, and I hope she was actually seen.

I feel a little badly because I promised myself I'd think good thoughts for her during the appointment, and then missed it entirely. But I'm thinking of her now, with love and well-wishes.

I don't know what to think. Jen's in a very bad mood, I know that. But instead of letting me love her, she tells me that I've never known her in the kind of bad mood she thinks she's heading for, and that she doesn't want to put me through dealing with her like that. All I can say to her is "I love you", and it doesn't help. I know what I mean, and I mean thick or thin, but she doesn't seem to accept that.
When it comes to the hard parts she pushes me away so she can suffer alone. That's not what I want. I want to be there for her, to be the one she calls on. And she doesn't let me.
I really ought to post this publicly, so she could read it if she wants to. But I'm afraid to. Afraid of making things worse. Afraid that while this might otherwise blow over after a few days or weeks, as things usually do, that this time it's permanent.

Update 1-8-02: I changed my mind and made this public, after the first three comments were posted. I did not edit or change any of the preceding, though my emotions have settled down a good deal since I wrote it originally. I'm trying to be more open about myself and my feelings, and this journal is a big part of that process. Jen, my love, if you do read this, I'm just writing my own feelings. I'm not subtly trying to ask you for anything. I trust you and I trust our relationship. I will be here.

No Christmas with Jen, at least not on Christmas Day. Family obligations...That hurts. I want to be her family, or part of it anyway. But we're a secret, and it sucks.
It sucks all the time, but it particularly sucks on holidays, because it's a time that I really want to be with her, and I can't. I know she loves me, I have to believe that, but it's lonely and hard being alone when I want to be with her. I wish she would just tell them that she wanted me to be there, or better yet that she wanted to spend the time with just me, but she doesn't want to rock the boat. And I can't really push her, because I won't tell my family either. My family don't live here, though, and I am not going to visit any of them at Christmas. I can't really afford to. So I'm on my own.
I won't actually be alone on Christmas, I'll go spend it with Marina and have a good time, but I'll still be missing Jen. Marina's family are very welcoming and have always treated me like I belonged, as long as I've known her (10 years now...that's scary).

Ray just called for our weekly "talk". Among other topics, he just had to say this to me: "We're both probably going to start dating soon. We need to be discreet around Rosa." If he had left it at that, it wouldn't have been too horrible. But then he went on to explain in detail what he meant. "I'm not going to bring people around her for a long time because I don't want her getting used to them and then them suddenly disappear. I don't want you to sleep with people when she's around. You're her role model..." Yadayadayada. I just kept telling him we don't have these weekly conversations so he can lecture me, and that he should stop. He kept saying he's just raising concerns and he'll continue to do so.

But what he's really doing is impugning my sense of morals and my ability to parent my daughter. He thinks that because my morals are different from his--and he has never been able to understand what they are, either--that I have none. He imagines some complicated set of scenarios and then accuses me of the behaviors, without any knowledge whatsoever of the reality.

I almost wish he'd just call me a slut and be done with it, but no, he has to hide it in "concerns about Rosa". He has some idea I've got dozens of people traipsing in and out of my bed. As if. There's Jen, and we don't even sleep together. In the last year there have been all but two others.

He has never known about my relationship with Jen. Maybe someday he'll figure it out, but the fact that we started dating before he and I broke up necessitates some obfuscation. However, Jen and Phaelen both love Rosa very much. It's been since before Rosa was born...she's always known "Auntie Jen". In fact Rosa persists in identifying Jen's picture as "Mommy"--and Phaelen does the same for me, sometimes. I hope someday soon we can all four live together. That's my dream.