Fragile...
Jan. 7th, 2002 10:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
semperfionaI don't know what to think. Jen's in a very bad mood, I know that. But instead of letting me love her, she tells me that I've never known her in the kind of bad mood she thinks she's heading for, and that she doesn't want to put me through dealing with her like that. All I can say to her is "I love you", and it doesn't help. I know what I mean, and I mean thick or thin, but she doesn't seem to accept that.
When it comes to the hard parts she pushes me away so she can suffer alone. That's not what I want. I want to be there for her, to be the one she calls on. And she doesn't let me.
I really ought to post this publicly, so she could read it if she wants to. But I'm afraid to. Afraid of making things worse. Afraid that while this might otherwise blow over after a few days or weeks, as things usually do, that this time it's permanent.
Update 1-8-02: I changed my mind and made this public, after the first three comments were posted. I did not edit or change any of the preceding, though my emotions have settled down a good deal since I wrote it originally. I'm trying to be more open about myself and my feelings, and this journal is a big part of that process. Jen, my love, if you do read this, I'm just writing my own feelings. I'm not subtly trying to ask you for anything. I trust you and I trust our relationship. I will be here.
When it comes to the hard parts she pushes me away so she can suffer alone. That's not what I want. I want to be there for her, to be the one she calls on. And she doesn't let me.
I really ought to post this publicly, so she could read it if she wants to. But I'm afraid to. Afraid of making things worse. Afraid that while this might otherwise blow over after a few days or weeks, as things usually do, that this time it's permanent.
Update 1-8-02: I changed my mind and made this public, after the first three comments were posted. I did not edit or change any of the preceding, though my emotions have settled down a good deal since I wrote it originally. I'm trying to be more open about myself and my feelings, and this journal is a big part of that process. Jen, my love, if you do read this, I'm just writing my own feelings. I'm not subtly trying to ask you for anything. I trust you and I trust our relationship. I will be here.
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no subject
Date: 2002-01-07 08:10 pm (UTC)I've always felt that in order to truly be together, people have to trust themselves enough to reach out to others.
Steph
no subject
Date: 2002-01-07 08:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-01-07 09:45 pm (UTC)one--Sometimes(on rare occasions) it really does make me feel better that the person I am pushing away won't go.
Two---much more frequently, just the act of the person hearing me and honoring my needs of the moment and stepping back a little gives me the freedom to step out of my mood and come to that person for the help and love and support that I need.
These are just things that have worked for me in the past. It takes a lot of love and patience to get through times like this and I am grateful to have apersonin my life who works with my moods rather than runs from them.
I am sure she will feel the same way once the black cloud has faded away.
As with all unsolicited advice feel free to ditch or use at your leisure.
Btw is it too late to join your AW community?
Persephone
no subject
Date: 2002-01-09 07:35 am (UTC):-/ I think it kind of is. I talked to the co-moderator last night, and because we're all nearly at week 4 it might be hard to be at such different places.
But you're welcome to start the book, read along with the community and post things to your personal journal, I at least will read them and respond and encourage as necessary. As you've probably seen, I've found it amazing already. Some things have come unlocked that I'd nearly forgotten were there.