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Boundaries
Dec. 14th, 2001 09:41 amI've just been talking at length to a coworker. She often comes to me for advice on her relationships. I'm not quite sure why--I'm not out at work as either bi or poly, and she is apparently straight and monogamous. I guess she thinks I have good ideas, though they don't always seem to work out in practice, and she knows I won't make fun of her or repeat her confidences. I don't think writing here is a problem; none of our mutual acquaintances know of this journal (nor will they).
Today she was concerned because her new prospective boyfriend asked her if she'd be willing to be with another woman and him. I told her that though there was nothing wrong with the request, she needed to decide where her boundaries are and stick to them, and that he needed to respect them and not push her to do things she's uncomfortable with. My main point was that mutual respect for each other and each other's boundaries is essential to a good relationship, and that if she doesn't feel that they have that, she should get out now before becoming emotionally entangled.
I did say that sometimes boundaries move, but it has to be from inside, not under pressure from outside; pressure from outside that damages boundaries is a violation similar in some ways to rape or other assault. Offering an opportunity is fine, emotional manipulation is not. There is a fine line there, of course, especially for the person with the wider boundaries. How many times can you make an offer before just asking becomes manipulative?
Today she was concerned because her new prospective boyfriend asked her if she'd be willing to be with another woman and him. I told her that though there was nothing wrong with the request, she needed to decide where her boundaries are and stick to them, and that he needed to respect them and not push her to do things she's uncomfortable with. My main point was that mutual respect for each other and each other's boundaries is essential to a good relationship, and that if she doesn't feel that they have that, she should get out now before becoming emotionally entangled.
I did say that sometimes boundaries move, but it has to be from inside, not under pressure from outside; pressure from outside that damages boundaries is a violation similar in some ways to rape or other assault. Offering an opportunity is fine, emotional manipulation is not. There is a fine line there, of course, especially for the person with the wider boundaries. How many times can you make an offer before just asking becomes manipulative?
