Menage à Trois Bingo

Out of a family of 25 or so cousins, he's the only one I truly consider myself close to. He teaches and writes on queer studies, and I'm bi, we're both somewhere between atheist and pagan--and our family is as fundie as they come, just about. So we black sheep flock together.

I had never really thought I'd find a kindred spirit anywhere in that family, but I went to his sister's wedding back in 1991 and ended up exploring the bookcases in his room. After I found a number of titles I recognized I smiled to myself and when I got home I wrote him a letter. We've talked, written and emailed on a lackadaisical schedule ever since. Then I trusted him with a long confidence back in 1997 when my marriage was in the first crisis, and that deepened our friendship even more.

Tuesday was a long hard day fighting depression. I slogged through the day at work and picked up Rosa from her grandmother's house. She had a "recital" at the daycare center and I took her there. All the wee ones standing in the front of the church sanctuary singing little patriotic songs. Rosa didn't really sing, but at least she didn’t cry or run down the aisle like some of the other smallest ones. It was strange for me to be sitting in a church. At least there was no sermon, though the CDC director did talk for a while about how they "teach the children values". I don't really want her to grow up with Baptist values! But at age two I think most of what she'll learn is sharing and honesty, and both of those are things I also value.

Still, she has asked me a couple times "Do you love Jesus?" I always just say no. She says "I love Jesus." I just smile. I don't know whether she's getting that from the daycare or from her father and grandparents, but either way, it edges me out a bit. All I can really do is continue to take her to family-friendly pagan events and expose her to my friends who don't talk about Jesus all the time.

Then we came home: the recital and refreshments afterward only lasted about 40 minutes. Judy was outside with her dogs and Rosa wanted to pet them so we went over and sat on the deck and chatted for a while. That was really nice: I think she kind of missed me while I was living away. Then it was time to go home and put Rosa to bed. I stayed up a while but did not feel up to writing email or connecting with people.

Wednesday I was beginning to feel better, but I took another day mostly away from people, only emailing Liz because we needed to resolve some things. I mowed the back yard and installed my DSL.

And yesterday I was pretty much back to normal, issues resolved. I finally emailed Jen to tell her I wasn't upset with her, and also suggested a possible way we could spend more time together. I'm hopeful that something of that sort will be worked out. I miss her.

I mowed the front yard. We played our regular Thursday night Amber game, and talked about this and that, making arrangements for Sunday. I chatted with Liz and dj and watched Empire Strikes Back with Liz--on about a fifteen-minute delay. And then I stayed up far too late into the night writing emails to everyone who offered sympathy on Tuesday's depression, and finally answered Rachel's email that had been waiting nearly two weeks. So I'm finally all caught up!

The somewhat scary thing is that I hardly ate anything between Monday evening and yesterday morning. This is not really abnormal for me when I get depressed. I knew I was feeling better when I was actually hungry Thursday morning and bought breakfast. I ordered an Imo's deluxe pizza for dinner as a kind of treat and anti-depressant. But I also lost about three pounds in those three days. I have to make myself eat at least something, no matter how crappy I feel.